Changing that Attitude and going from having Pitty to being Grateful!

John 16:33 talks about how there will be trouble in our life but that God is with us and not to fear.

But how often to we forget to give it to God and immediately get down and sad? We are human so of course we think negative and try to fix it ourselves when in reality we just need to give it all to him.

I am the worst at this and I know that. My life is not easy and we all have hard times but we have wonderful times as well! Cast your worries onto God and change your attitude towards the situation and make it positive! Do NOT let Satan attack and make you feel down. Get happy and feel blessed!

Joyce talks about how she handled things in the past which is how I am sure we all handle things at times but I love how she is so honest and focuses on how she changed and how happiness comes from within.

There is so much I could say about this but I want you to watch because it is hilarious at how she puts a few things in there! Humor is the BEST!!

Kindness and Goodness.. The end of this is what made me think!

This was the devotion for our Single Moms Group today and I have watched it twice. Its the end that is what got me. Joyce says:

“Stop giving your husband the job of making you happy.”

Yes, I know I am not married, but this is something my mom shared with me over the weekend as a personal experience.

I had asked her about family situations and how she felt at times when life would get rough and how her and Dad have made it through all these years and how retirement was going to play out. We talked bath and forth for a bit and I asked her about being happy and having kids and being stressed and she told me that after having me and being married for over 9 years she realized that Dad was not meant to make her happy and that nobody in life is SUPPOSED to make us happy. We choose to be happy for ourselves and put our trust in God.

Ok, so keep in mind this may sound simple but how many of us keep looking for “happiness”?

How many of use keep looking for it with any relationship whether friends, work, spouse, etc knowing that that is wrong?

Exactly! All the above for me too!!

I thought about what my mom said the other night because I am concerned about life and how it will pan out at times and when I feel down its hard to snap out of it. But hearing her say that was like.. wait I can snap out of this myself, I do NOT need to search for happiness when it lies within me and I have the book of life which is the Bible.

I never thought any more about it until I was feeling low at work and needed a devotion and ‘BAM’ Joyce got me in the end!

I can’t keep worrying about things that are out of my control and putting pressure on anyone to make me happy nor giving anyone that satisfaction because that is from God and he deserves all credit for all happiness and blessings.

Hope you enjoy this devotion as much as I did!

Praying For Loved Ones. I love Joyce’s view on this!

When I first started watching this I was like.. SO thats why my life is rough! People keep praying for me! lol! Stop it! haha jk. You have to watch the video to get that. I never realized how prayer works but I have seen it work in people but how she explains it makes so much sense. The reason I know is because the harder my mom would pray for me to more difficult my life seemed to become but then when I realized what I needed to changed and got my focus back then life made sense. Prayer is very powerful. In this she talks about how when you pray for someone it is frustrating because you love these people and for some reason it is like their behavior gets worse rather than better. It is all because of when a person gets in trouble and has to deal with punishment. Not saying God punishes per-say but he starts showing you how your actions are destructive once people pray for you and that channel of prayer is communicated. I can see why so many people give up on praying for people bt this is when God is just getting starting and working on them. You can never give up and think that it is a waste of time. You have no idea how God is working sometimes.

As an example.. Just a random show I was watching the other day… A teenage girl lost her mother tragically and all she saw was her father burying himself in his work and not shedding a tear. She looked at him and despised him and told him she was so disappointed because her mother deserved to be mourned for and he never took a day off to mourn and that her mother deserved better. Later in the show she bumps into a friend who spends most of her evenings out very late and lived across from a Park. She said she sees her dad there most nights or extremely early in the morning weeping with a book in his hand. The Girl then asked if it was a specific book and she said yes. The daughter then teared up and said that is the park where he and my mom met and their first talk when they met was over that book. She immediately left and realized her dad just did not want her to see him upset for afraid it would make it hard for the daughter to move on. Whether it was right or wrong is beside the point. The point is, she had no idea that she was completely wrong about her father and that he was going and mourning in his way. She assumed that since she did not see it herself that nothing was happening.

How many times are we like this? I am like this all the time. I am so fixated on “Seeing is Believing” when in reality we have no idea how God is really working on a person. This is why we should never give up on praying for people we love or want to love more. It is not our duty to judge and decide how and when God Works in somebody else’s life. I just know I need to tell myself this way more often and not give up and to have more faith in the prayers not only for others but the ones for myself as well.

A Peak Into My Daily Journal

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8:10 I drop my daughter off a daycare and we give our kisses and good bye waves. I shut the door and look through the peep hole to watch her for just a minute so I can take in the happiness of seeing how she is not only 21 months now but socializing and making friends. I watch as her little friend Taylor brings her a toy and Sophie’s excitement and joy is all over her face as she giggles and jabbers. I turn to leave for work but yet a part of me wants to stay because seeing your child interact with others is not only adorable but hilarious at the same time and always brings a smile to my face.

8:30 I am walking into work with a smile and saying my “good mornings” just as I always do like nothing is wrong and I have the confidence to hold my head up and have it all together. Hair is straightened and perfectly parted with sunglasses hidden as an accessory in my dark hair while my necklace and earrings shine with the light of the windows glaring against them. I have been told many times that I come across intimidating with how well I have it together and how others think I have it all together with not a care in the world and still being a single mother. Little do they know that I have to pray sometimes every few minutes to God to give me peace and emotional comfort. They don’t believe me when I tell them anyways.

8:45 I get my first call. I have been fighting with insurance and begging to get better assistance to not only pay my existing medical bills for my daughter but to get them to pay for evaluations and therapy due to her loss in hearing in her left ear due to an infection during her ear tube surgery when she was a baby. I only want the best and she is not behind at the moment since I work with her but I need help to continue this. Last week we had more hearing tests at Children’s and she had a Speech Therapy evaluation as well as a Behavior Observation as well. I will let you add all of that up since it is all out of pocket right now due to not being in network, insurance not paying for certain preventative measures under 3 years of age, and it is only March and I haven’t come close to the enormous out of pocket I have to pay before my insurance will pay their generous 70% as long as they approve of the appointments AFTER the medical office files it. With all that being said, my first call was an interview to try and get another private insurance and my income immediately disqualifies me. I told the lady that I do not bring home this income because so much is taken out for insurance, social security, taxes, retirement, etc. Plus, due to the fact that I was already receiving insurance that hurt me as well. So let me just sum this all up so there is no confusion: I have insurance but they will not cover specific things for therapies especially when a child is under 3 years old even with doctors letters and me begging. These days when you schedule anything you have to pay upfront in a lot of offices if you do not have Medicaid or an alternate Government insurance. Also, even though my insurance states to the medical office that they will not cover the hearing assessments regardless of being recommended by the treating physician the offices also do not allow me to pay using a sliding scale (which is at a discount price) since I do hold an insurance card because the sliding scale is strictly there for the ones who do not have any insurance what-so-ever. I can’t use my insurance since they do not pay and I can’t pay at a discount because of the card I hold in my hand so I am obligated to pay that full 329.00 for that one observation and if I do not pay that full amount right then and there then I have to sign a contract stating I will make payments or have to pay it in full within 45 days or they reserve the right to turn me over to collections. Maybe I am thinking too literally but is that not messed up? I know some would say.. go ahead! Send to collections, let them pile up!! But that explanation comes later. This call was just another rejection I had to take but the rejection to get your child help is like a fist punch in your stomach. You can’t breathe and you can’t understand. I brushed it off and the lady said she would kindly mail me my rejection letter.

9:10 I am breathing hard to prevent tears and trying to get a report written and emails out before I had to leave for my next meeting. I down my coffee and try to think of anything and everything positive and focus only on work and also get 2 hours worth of work done in 50 minutes.

10:00 I leave the office to be able to make the next appointment in town which is at the bank. Why? Well that is why I am so careful to pay everything off and be on top of everything is because I have cleaned up my credit report to show no outstanding debts or medical bills or even anything of Sophie’s surgeries at all. I have my car and a few credit cards and they thought for sure that it was time to apply to get a house. This has been my dream. I have the income, the cleaned credit and just need the “yes” from the bank. Especially with knowing that I will need to do most of Sophie’s therapy’s and coping counseling at the house it has been important for me to get this going to help me be able to do this whether I did it myself or paid someone to come in twice a month atleast to work with her and show me what to do. My heart was filled with Joy to know that something might work out and if anything we can get out of our apartment and into a place that has a yard and even though it is just me and her I still consider that family and who doesn’t want a home for their family? I walk in with my lady from the housing association who has worked with me for close to a year now to get old stuff cleared off and things paid off and she was just as excited hoping this was the day. Application was pulled, nothing outstanding, Debt to income was less that 14%, nothing late, several things closed, but there was a problem. My score had plummeted! Doing the right thing had bit me so hard in the butt that not only was I rejected they wanted me to get a loan or make more payments on something!! I could not understand what I was hearing! How is it that I am trying to do the right thing, Single Mom, Full time career mom on top of it all and there is a balance that is always missing. I just stared at the lady because I had nothing to say. I was frozen and I couldn’t cry or talk or even make sense of it all. All I remember is her saying give it about 6 months and it will either get higher or lower pending if you can add some things to pay on. Then she just smiled. She just smiled like this was nothing and a quick fix and she didn’t have to fill out any paperwork and could get back to her own life. She smiled like she had no idea that this was just so small to her but so big to me. The fact that she smiled with no compassion and had no idea what was going through my head every day broke me. Her hands were tied and she was sorry and she smiled and said have a nice day. Like I was supposed to have a nice day? I couldn’t talk to the housing lady as we walked out and just told her to email me because I needed to collect my thoughts.

11:20 I am driving back to the office but swing through to drop off the water bill. I make it back to the office and park and feel the sun on my body and the warmth is like a comfort I needed like a hug almost. I sat there for a minute thinking I can’t believe I made it here because I barely remembered driving because of being in shock. I get out and walk in and smile of course at the ones I know and see. I could tell some thought I took an early lunch. I made it to my office and just logged on like normal and got ready for my 11:30 call regarding work.

12:05 My friend messages me asking how it went with insurance and the house. I just messaged that it was a no on both. My mother had text me as well asking the same thing and I told her it was a no on both. My friend and my mom reply asking “Your kidding, Now what are you going to do?” That is when it hit. What am I going to do? My mind is racing! I have a test to take tomorrow over statistics that I have to keep studying for, I have a website to finish creating for my IT Portfolio for school, I have to re-write several queries to get a report working properly again, I have to call my school mentor to make sure I am on target for finishing my classes by the end of the month, I have a call with my daughter’s Speech Therapist at 5:30 to discuss further treatments and payments, a friend who needs me to do her taxes before the weekend is up, I can’t get help in any way for my daughter without a huge bank account, I can’t qualify for a house because I was doing the right thing and paying my bills and cleaning everything I could up! I am doing the RIGHT THING so why me?!? Why!? I don’t understand! Years of pain and hard work are just not making sense! Fighting for my daughter just doesn’t make sense when I see so many who do not even want to fight or speak up! Why do some people get things handed to them and my life is just not like that!?

12:20 I grabbed my purse and walked calmly to the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there and just cried so hard that not only were my tears big and blinding but I threw up and started dry-heaving. It was just so uncontrollable. The pain of loving my daughter so much is killing me because I want to provide and do so much for her and I want her to have the best and every corner I turn to brings tears to my eyes. So when someone asks what am I going to do, I really just do not know what I am going to do. I know I will continue on and keep doing the best but when do you know when to stop fighting and if you have lost the battle? I want to go home and lay on the couch and cry and sleep until the happy ending decides to happen but I know that will not happen in one day. I finally dry my eyes and face and make sure there are no footsteps so I can wash my face and reapply makeup and eye drops as if nothing happened. Luckily it works. I walk out and continue to listen to lunch stories and smile and say me and Sophie are great and head back into my office. If they only knew what I had been through just today, but then again they might not understand either.

2:00 Comes and goes. 2 days a week I try to go and work with Sophie at her daycare on talking and enunciating and anything else to try and advance her as much as possible. I do not know what the future holds so I want to help her in all that I can to try and advance her in case she does lose hearing or gains it all back and it is a new world for her. Some people do not realize that coping is big. The days when she hears great things are loud and muffled and it is almost like she has a seizure but it is just that she has to separate herself from the noise since it is so new. She stays in a corner with books for a while and that is how she copes. On the days where she has a cold it is like she is hearing underwater because her ears will fill up with fluid and she is mostly loud speaking these days and plays in her own world these days. A lot of kids go through this but there is something about how my daughter wants to learn that makes me want to help her succeed higher than what is “state labeled” for her to succeed. I think only a mother can understand who has had a similar situation. She is so healthy that it kills me to know anything is even wrong and like most I would love to stay in denial. I called to remind the daycare I would be there tomorrow to work with her since my morning has put me behind. I don’t advertise this since it brings about questions and when people see and hear my daughter they do not understand what even goes on behind her eyes. They see a beautiful toddler talking, jabbering, listening, focusing, playing, etc. Your children don’t wake up knowing all of that though.

3:30 This is when I normally make it back to the office after working with Sophie. It is amazing that she is 21 months and can spell her name and talk and draw and know animals and shapes and colors and you would never think she suffered any hearing damage. Why do I push for help? Because she is getting older and I need help and proper assessments to make sure she is getting better and not worse. A few weeks hindered by hearing loss or anything can put a child behind or change them in many ways. I don’t want my happy bubbly intelligent daughter changed or know there is anything wrong which is why I will push to help her in all ways. Why would any parent sit back and let their speech be hindered with any possible hearing loss and let time tell them how the ending plays out? It is definitely cheaper and a lot less effort but I couldn’t and can’t do that. But right now I am just recovering from my earlier episodes and finishing up work so that I can try and get her early.

4:45 I pack up the laptop from the office since I work most evenings and get out of here. Smiling and telling everyone I will see them tomorrow. I get to the car and feel the sun and I feel tears coming again but suck it up so nobody at daycare can see. When I get there and hear the words “Mommy” I am full-filled but yet I could just bawl because I missed her so much. I look in her eyes and she has no idea that I was told she couldn’t have additional insurance, that my insurance denied our claim request, that we will not be getting a home right now and have no idea when that will happen. All she knows is mommy is here and we get to go home. She doesn’t understand being so young but yet she can understand when mommy is sad so I try not to do anything but squeeze her and smile.

5:15 Everything is unloaded and I get her some milk and we read book while I usually ponder on dinner. This is a usual routine every day. She loves books and could swim in them if she could and if we had enough that is for sure. I have to say that is something that I love about her. She loves puzzles, books, and drawing. So that is how we spend our times.

5:30 I am either making dinner or reheating from last night since it is just us 2. She is always fussy at this time because she is hungry and tired and wants me to hold her all at the same time. Which I can’t but we work it out.

6:30 Dinner has come and gone and Sophie usually gets some fruit or a smoothie at this time and I can tell if it will be an early bed time or if we will be able to work on words. We work on words and flashcards and she sounds just like a little adult. I keep a journal so I know how we progress and I think that is the best thing any parent can do for any child under 5 who is learning. It is amazing what a child can learn and pick up on. Her signing, her words, her communication and social skills and her personality are all definitions of her. I just take it in every night and see how things change so much each day. When I take time to think about the blessings then I forget about my day and when it comes to her I have learned that I have to do that or I am not living and I am just surviving.

7:15 I fill the bath up for her favorite time of night and with her favorite toys. I go in the bathroom and see how the curtain is not staying up, how the vinyl on the floor just continues to peel and how the shower door will never look clean no matter how much I scrub it. Then my sad day hit hard again and tears start to come and I slowly sit in the floor as the bath runs and as I hear her coming I put my head on my knees so I can wipe my face. She runs in their screaming “Bubbles Ahhh, Tank you, Tank you!” She saw a bath of bubbles and me in there to play and the excitement was all over her face! I snap back to reality and play and bury my emotions like they don’t exist for that moment and seeing her smile is a therapy all in its own. I put cotton in her ears to protect and keep water out so she can splash and just watch as she pretends she is having tea and cleaning the cup. She is so happy that I never want to take that away. I have noticed that when I read back in my prayer journal that I state that often because she is truly happy and I want her to always be that way.

7:30 My baby is all clean and soft. I make her homemade milk formula as she watches me and then add some lavender oil to a wet towel and rub her little feet. This is the time where I just spend it with her doing whatever. Sometimes we read until 9:00, maybe we play until she is ready to go to bed, but I let her mostly decide unless there is a pressing reason that I need to get to work or she is super fussy and tired. Tonight she wanted to read and rock and watch a Peter Rabbit Episode. Holding her makes my heart full and I catch a happy tear because I don’t want that moment to pass. To me she is getting to big but I have to realize she is just a baby in my arms and to enjoy the moment and not wish for the new days and not miss the old days. Living in the moment is definitely challenging when you have a mind that wants to fix everything and question your life and your daily thoughts at every moment.

8:00 (pm) She is double blinking and holding her milk and just tuned towards me to hide her face. This is when she is ready for bed but lately she enjoys me holding her and rocking her until she is fully asleep rather than being laid down first. I have learned to throw the books away that say to stick to a bedtime and to put them to bed and let them fall asleep on their own. Why throw them away? It is good advice in the beginning but I want my child to feel the closeness and I need to feel it as well. She is my baby and if I want to hold her and she wants me to hold her then why am I listening to a book or people tell me to fight that and put them in bed no matter what. Structure is good and needed but there is something more to this “love” thing that is helping me not only get through my rough days but make her happy and feel my voice when I talk so I personally believe we should all have a bonfire with those books and just love our children during these times they need us and when we need them.

8:30 I am still in the recliner, with the television on very low, “self-healing”. I am listening to her breath, holding her little hands and reading my devotional that is beside my chair aloud so she can feel and hear my voice. I then read aloud Deuteronomy 31:6. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” I sit for a moment before I pray because that is also the verse I have at my desk on a sticky note so I remind myself that I need to be strong and to know that God is with me and will not leave me. However, I am human and I do feel sad and alone. I can’t tell you if that is just my own mind playing tricks or being attacked from Satan but I do know it is pain and I have to pray to receive peace. I take the time to pray aloud but close to a whisper so I don’t wake Sophie. I pray over her to be healed which I do every night and for her to never feel that she is not wanted since our family life is not a perfect situation. I take this time to focus the prayer on her but yet my emotions really come through and it is almost too much to handle.

9:00 I finish rocking and realize she is out cold and I can go lay her down. The only thing is this is the time I don’t want to lay her down and at times I may fall asleep with her in the recliner or on the couch holding her. But, this is a weekday and I have work to do among other things and I know she needs sleep without me interrupting. I lay her down and turn on a night light  nd adjust the fan to drowned out noise and leave. But first I stare at how sweet she is. A lot of times I will take a picture with my phone because a sleeping baby is so precious. I leave the room and then realize that I am alone. It’s a cold clammy feeling at first because it is so quiet and I just had my devotional and I get lost for a few minutes. I will either grab a bottled water, sprite, dr pepper, or make a hot chocolate on my Keurig. ( I know what you are thinking.. so healthy right? Well I have my weaknesses when I know I have to stay up and need comfort in a soda product or a warm chocolate drink.. Hey it’s my thing).

9:20 I notice the time because I have my drink, the television on, and my computer pulled up. The time going forward really mentally messes my mind up because I would like for it to be 8:20 but those are just thoughts since I know what all I need to get done.

9:30 I am fully escaped into working and finishing up a report and keeping my mind focused on anything other than my day. My emotions are not fluttering, no tears blinding me, just me and this query that I want to complete and run and get it loaded into the report.

11:15 My query has finished running and I loaded it into the report and it looks successful! Now I just have to wait for the ‘Ok’ from the customer, but for tonight my work is done; with work anyways. I am also a full-time student who has got to pass this statistics test before the end of March, THIS MONTH! So study time it is.

11:25 Debating on what to drink next. I had Hot chocolate and now I guess I could settle for water. I just hope I can stay awake. Standard Deviation is what I am struggling with and that is my focus along with homework to help me and a practice test.

11:40 I want to just forget about school. My mind is fried and my heart is elsewhere and my thoughts are dwelling on my day and how I will survive tomorrow. Tears are blinding me again and I just have to stop and pray crying to God to give me strength to just wake up and be happy and help Sophie however I can and to give me the strength to fight these battles whether I lose or win. Help me to press on to find a home, to pay for therapy or to get the knowledge to help her. I pray for guidance and an angel to watch over us closely. But most of all I pray for peace and happiness and for my friends and family who have struggles of their own. Today you just see the sadness and struggles of one day, but you don’t know the struggles that come everyday and how my life has really been hard at times. Reading this you may see me in many different lights. You may see me as that struggling single mom or that maybe I have made these choices so I need to deal with them. Maybe you see this and know the feelings and the struggles I am facing, not only today but as a woman and as a single mom. You may read this and think I need to count my blessings and be glad I have insurance and a great job and may even think I am petty. Whatever you are thinking is probably right in some form. However, emotions come without a lot of control. How you feel about things and your passions are what make a person human and compassionate. So before you judge or label me I hope you see that I am passionate and that my life is real. This is just me.

1:15 (am) I have studied and taken a practice test. I am not confident but I feel better about the class than I did earlier. I shut down the computer and put it away. I plug in my phones and pick up the living room. I check the weather and then get an outfit for Sophie ready for that next morning as well as make sure she has milk for the next day. I wash bottles and sippy cups and pull out the clothes in the dryer and either fold them or leave them on the table praying for the cleaning fairy to come. I then go ahead and grab Sophie’s bottle from her crib and then fill it up and then shower because I know she will wake up wanting some milk usually around the time I am almost asleep. I get out of the shower and dry off quickly since it is always cold in there and get ready for bed. I lay out my outfit, necklace, and earrings, then take Sophie’s clothes into the living room with a diaper, socks, shoes and bow and leave it on the love seat. I grab my prayer journal so that I can pray to God and clear my thoughts. I am careful to pray that he do his will but give me peace and understanding and bring me happiness and dry my tears. This always makes me feel complete no matter how bad my day is or what struggles I have faced. I know what it is like to struggle so bad that you take an appetite suppressant so you don’t get hungry because you don’t have any money for food and I am the type to never ask for help. I know what it is like to crave a 55 cent coffee at work and beg to find it in your purse or on the floor in your office. I know what it is like to feel like a failure sense your marriage ended and you are devastated to the point that you would rather people read it in the paper rather than have anyone know the truth. I also know what it is like to pray that daycare does not ask for payment at the same time rent is due.  I know the feeling of over joy when someone knows you are struggling to be a single mom and that you have pride and leaves diapers on your doorstep anonymously even though I know who it is and thank her with tears and hugs. I know what it is like to hide a pregnant belly from people at work so they do not know your situation. I know what it is like to fear for your health. I know what it’s like to watch a parent suffer with cancer and one slowly deteriorate until they find the problem. I know what it is like to see your friends and cousins go through the excitement of announcing their weddings and when they are expecting while you keep your divorce and failed marriage to yourself and pray they don’t notice you are 7 months pregnant without a spouse or a father involved. I couldn’t be excited since I had health risks and spend my time terrified and sad. Hormones and emotions play against you and you don’t know what you feel. I know what it is like to get your baby’s birth certificate messed up because they keep adding mother and father and by the 4th time they get it right and you notice that it has your child’s name on there and the mother is you and there is just this massive empty space and you immediately start fearing you might lose your child to this invisible person or you will have to explain to this beautiful baby why there is so much blank space. I know what it’s like to have that moment where you are told your baby does not have a heartbeat at 17 weeks and the life you were preparing for has just ended and you just leave the office because you just can’t stomach the thought of having the baby removed and hold out hope that it was a mistake until your body can’t dispose of it naturally and you bleed out so bad you come close to needing a transfusion. I, Casey Poff know what it is like to struggle through life and come out on the other side and into a new journal and realize that I have overcome a lot and received many blessings and helped others along the way, but that does not mean I don’t hurt and that you can tell what goes on behind my eyes even if I am smiling.

2:00 I finish my journal writing and prayer and I do feel peace in knowing that I have conquered so much and realize the strength that is in me. I have peace and try to know that I need sleep. I hear Sophie and go check on her and she is half asleep so I give her a bottle of milk and head back to the couch. I sleep there so that she can have my room and it is quiet. It works better that way and I love the comfort of being in the living room.

8:10 (am) I drop my daughter of at daycare and watch her smile through the glass of the door again. I think quietly and pray that my day today is better than yesterday and to realize yesterday is now the past and today may bring happiness and success because our God is always full of surprises and no matter how the day turns out, I will still keep loving and I will still keep praying.

Nervous-Breakdown or Just Life?

breakdown2How is it that you can feel the presence of God and things changing for the better and then something completely change direction and then you are questioning life and its existence and if you are praying to a ghost at times?

I don’t think just Single moms feel this but that anyone in general can feel this at times. It has been a rough week. As per previous thoughts and blogs most of you know about my issue with the healthcare and trying to get my daughter help and literally not knowing where to turn. I have been fighting this battle for months and the reality has set in and there are no words to describe what I am feeling exactly. I say this a lot when I write because you feel so many things at once that you are just lost and fogged.For one, I hold everything in and I am just a robot and keep going like I am super woman.

My Description is this:

Single Mom 100% = No Dad and No Child Support

Career Mom = 60 hours atleast a week. (fortunate to be able to have home access to work)

Student = I finished 30 Credit Hours this Term (IT Degree)

Job = Systems and Performance Analyst = Crystal Report Writer and SAP programs manager. Maintain hundreds of reports everyday along with re-creating old reports, installs, creating and writing new reports, maintaining 2 websites and sharepoint sites, assisting others with IT and Data Issues, Running many transit files for customers, operational needs and data as needed, day, night, weekends etc. Educate and help other IT professionals within the company with their coding needs, Assist Sales in closing accounts with verification of reports, etc.. the list continues sadly and my Salary would more than double if I didn’t live in the Midwest.

Being Mommy = Attending all the parties at my kids daycare and participating and bringing things. Right now we have her valentines cards completed and I made raspberry muffins for her to take and just made dinner like every night. We will read and go over her flash cards and make it a game then do puzzles and writing where I have her switch hands during both activities to try and exercise her brain per I have read that helps aid in the therapy process and even possibly help regain some of her hearing that is lost. I will try anything to help her. Then there is the normal mommy chores of laundry, cleaning, making Sophie’s own milk, etc.

Being a Daughter: My parents live 30 minutes away so I try to pack us up each weekend or every other weekend to make the trip to visit for the day or the weekend. Sounds enjoyable, and it is but the stress of taking a toddler to another environment and keeping the usual routine is challenging and can really throw you off. But you do it because you want that time with them and they want that time with you and their grandbaby.

Therapist: I have a Speech therapist that is willing to work with me and show me what to do every evening and I can afford her one day a week to help but I need to make up for the rest each eve, atleast 3-4 days for sure. This is my New title that I am just now learning until I can get a full understanding of what she needs and what I can afford after her evaluation of her ears and neurological development. She needs a full room devoted to this that is only that and since we live in a 2 bedroom apartment I have devoted my room to this and working on that this weekend. I sleep on the couch anyways or we sleep in the recliner together so that I can keep her elevated most nights. Not something I admit to many because they don’t understand how fluid in the ears works if it doesn’t flow right or if she is congested then there is nothing but muffled noises. I am sure this sounds crazy but as a mom if there is any thought to helping your child succeed you will do it.

Bargain Groceries: Master Coupon Clipper and Ad Matching. Surviving to get all the groceries we need at the best price.

These are just things that came to mind because it is what I deal with currently. How do women survive as Single Moms and come out successful when they have the job most go to college for and still can barely make it? Will things ever get better?

There are days when I feel so blessed and can see that bright future and then life turns on you again and you question what is going on!? Will I always have to live my life fighting or will my time finally come where I can relax and feel joy and be happy? They say God does not punish but that he tests us to make us stronger. But what about when you have been tested and tested to where you literally get that weak mind and feel you can’t handle anymore rejection or work and you feel that no matter what you do you are failing? Continue reading

A Lost Christian

When I accepted the Lord into my life I was young but very ready. I loved him and knew he loved me and I was raised with a strong knowledge of who he was and knew I would never steer away from him. Little did I know that there is this little thing called “life” that happens and comes between us and God if we allow it. I went through some hard times and even though I never blamed God directly and still continued to pray, I neglected our relationship for years. I just never knew how hard it would get later on in life to choose him over issues in life and even myself. I have spent many nights crying and confused over the past 10 years. Over the past 6 years I have spent it mostly praying to just survive. This is where I refer to myself as a “Lost Christian”.

Here I am a saved soul and supposed to be witnessing to others and here I am lost out in the world and can’t seem to find my way back. How did I get this way? Had it really been that long since I spent night after night close with God? The answer is yes. Even though I knew the answer was God and that he would save me and help me I chose to follow life and its struggles rather than let God lead my life. I married the wrong person, suffered health issues terribly, suffered a miscarriage, lost myself in trying to find other relationships, suffered break-ups, endured heartaches, suffered severe depression that took me down suicidal thoughts many times, and looked for direction in every other way except through the one I knew could help me. Even though I prayed and cried out to him many times I felt I could not be close to him or that I could not choose to give it to him because of my mistakes. I was embarrassed that I had drifted away from him and chose to follow everyone and everything else other than him. I covered myself in self-pity and doubt and read self-help books faster than they were being brought to the shelf. Did I learn a lot? Oh my YES! But what does it mean? ABSOLUTELY nothing without God.

I had all the knowledge but there was this one thing I was not doing. I was not giving my life to him to drive and control. I was even in a therapy session with a Christian counselor who said I should give it to God because he needed me to have that relationship with him just like I needed him to have it with me. I looked at her and said “ I can’t, I’m not ready to give him the control.” Why did I say that? Because I was raised with that strong Christian background to know that when you give God control you have to listen and let him have the control and have that personal relationship with him or he would get your attention one way or the other and I knew my struggles could get worse if I was not ready to listen. I was just not ready to let go, I was that fearful of what would happen. It was all Satan and his mind games. I was lost and needed to find my way back and I had to be ready just like anyone has to be ready for anything. He wants your true heart and mind focused on him and not just part of it. There were many nights I would wake up in the middle of the night and it would be pitch dark in the room and I would just think…that is how I feel, Lost and I don’t know what to do or how to find my way.

Now, I have given it all to God and have our personal relationship back and it takes work. I get afraid that I am not doing enough or listening enough. Then I realize that he loves me and approves. I have to stop letting Satan control these thoughts. Do I look back and wish I would have done it sooner? At times, but I wasn’t ready and when I tried I failed because my mind and heart were running separate directions. There were a lot of lessons, hard lessons that I needed to learn and share about before I took the calling of giving him the complete control. God always has a plan and that is something we all need to remember.

I believe all Christians have their point and times of feeling lost, but we have to give it all to him. Letting him take over and speak to you and control your life is better than anything we could do and it leads to happiness and that is priceless. I feel comfort every night talking to him and knowing that he knows I am here and listening. There is a point and time when you realize and mature to an understanding that you need guidance and seek it everywhere but there is only one person who is guiding my life now and that is God. Each new day I have learned more about my TRUE self and my TRUE worth and realizing he is the only one I need to please. The approval addiction we carry out through life and wanting everything and everyone to accept us for what we aren’t and what we want to be leads to nothing but disaster in the long run. I think back to the times of coming home and dreading living another day. How could I be so lost and think I was not worth living another day!? Nobody deserves those thoughts, but life is dangerous and sucks you in and society takes control and tries to change who we are. It is up to us to decide when we have had enough to give it to God and stop being lost. So have you had enough? Are you ready to give it to God and let him show you true happiness?

Innocent Words of a Child

The holidays have passed and Sophie just hit the milestone of 19 months! It is so amazing to look back and see pictures from today verses a year ago. I am so grateful for each passing day and think of how many adventures we have had in such a short amount of time. It seems as if she has always been a part of me because I can’t even remember hardly the days before I had her. Even on the craziest days I still look at her while she is sleeping and I still have tears that I catch running down my cheek because I am just so thankful to have someone in my life that has taught me what true love is all about. To some that may sound cheesy or maybe even a thoughtless rambling to start off a conversation but there is meaning behind these tears.

My biggest fear has always been the day that she asks about her Dad or a dad or her situation and why it is different. I know these days everyone has a unique situation but that doesn’t make it any easier as a parent. I always imagined it being while she was in Kindergarten figuring out about how other kids have a Dad and she then realizes that something is missing and comes home asking why I have a dad and she has a Grandpa but why doesn’t she have a daddy like everyone else. Now before anyone starts judging you should know that it is a blessing to not have her Dad in the picture because he doesn’t want to be and I do not believe in forcing parenting upon anyone and forcing them to be a parent and resenting the situation and the child. Then I would have another issue at hand of explaining why she isn’t wanted or feels wanted by her Dad; Either way there is no winning but I want her to always feel wanted and loved.

Here I am waiting and worried about Kindergarten when the moment happened while she is 19 months old. I am writing this while it is completely fresh per it happened just recently and I am still hurting from the pain of the innocent words out of her mouth. I have noticed that over the holidays she was letting the Daddy word slip out while referring to my Dad and we would have to remind her it was “Papa” and she would be fine and we would pretend nothing happened and go on. However, nobody really pretended anything, we just all kept it to ourselves. It hurt to hear her call him that because I know she was hearing it and understanding it from being at daycare (aka baby-school). I finally broke down to my mom and she said not to worry about it because she was just trying to use her words. I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better but I pretended it worked. I haven’t heard anything out of her since, regarding the “Daddy” word lately so I thought maybe it was a fluke for the time being.

Recently we had a playdate with a friend of mine and her little one. I was excited to go and have a playdate because it had been so long and we were to exchange gifts with the kids. They are close in age so it is always very cute to see them play when we get together. I am always concerned if men are around and wasn’t sure if her husband was going to be around because I never know how Sophie will react. Normally she screams and if they have a beard it’s over because she will scream out of complete fear. However, none of the kind was there so we were having a great time. Then it happened… Her husband came through the door and the little one yelled Daddy!! Then Sophie turned towards him and just started gleaming with bright eyes and was talking her jibberish and laughing at any attention he gave her. I was calling her name but she didn’t hear me and was following him as he went down the hall saying “pease , pease?”. I wasn’t sure why she was saying please, so I had her come back down to me and she just looked confused and asked in the sweetest voice, “ Daddy Pease”. I said, honey I am Mommy (Trying to change the subject). She said “no no, Daddy Pease, Pease Daddy.” Then she grabbed a book and started heading down the hall and I went to get her and said “ Its ok I will read the book”, She then turned and looked and said “ Daddy no book?” “Daddy Pease, Pease?” I then became sick and had a lump so hard in my throat I couldn’t swallow or speak and just held her and walked her into the living room. My friend was in tears because she knew I was holding back and could only imagine what I was thinking. I had tears roll down my face but I was holding so many tears back I could feel a massive migraine coming and I couldn’t see for the flooding of tears being held in my eyes. I sat her down and finally swallowed where I could talk and she kept pointing at my eyes saying “eyes, eyes mommy”. I said yes, these are my eyes and where are yours? And she pointed to her eyes and then she pointed to her nose and I asked where her belly was and we tickled it and got her laughing. I finally said, “Let mommy read you the book ok?” and she said “K, tank ooo”. I read her the book as best as I could without choking and thinking anymore about it but in my mind I felt like a failure. My friend and I talked briefly about it just enough to put it out there but no details because I think we would have just cried until we were sick. The innocence of any child I think could bring anyone to tears.

As we left all I could think about was that one thing and the whole situation playing out in my head. I know every parent has their own battles with their children and their own pain but when you are going through your own pain you don’t really see anything else but your own. Right now I just tell myself that I am grateful for what we do have and that I am doing the best I know how. As we came home I just loved on her and made dinner and wanted to hold her as much as I could but she was just so tired so I laid her down and she was out pretty quick. I came in the living room and just cried because I had too. I had so much I had held in I just bawled. I looked for a movie to take my mind off of everything, even tried watching a scary movie and then I noticed something. Both movies had the same similar plot. One was a television movie where the mom was protecting her daughter from becoming victimized in college and the other was a horror film that ended in knowing that the mom had victimized herself to prevent suffering of her daughter. You may be trying to figure out what I am getting to and it is just this….We all have battles and have choices on how we handle them. How do we know what is right? We don’t.

My mom used to always tell me anytime I was punished or when I was hurting that she could feel it and I would understand when I became a parent. I never knew what she meant until I became a parent, and the older your child gets it does not get easier, it only gets harder because they can tell you what they want and what hurts.

After I finished crying I went in to Sophie’s room and she was sleeping so peacefully, I put my hand in her hand and just prayed for peace, love, and guidance.  I prayed that when she wake and these words came out of her mouth again that I would know the right answer but that I wouldn’t resort to lying even though she is so young. I went back into the living room and started going through my phone when I heard a whimper of her waking up. I am sure she heard me from being in there but I was just happy to see her awake and hug her since I had been crying all evening. She looked at me half awake and said “mommy”, I said yes baby, you have a bad dream? She didn’t say anything just laid her head on my shoulders so I knew she was sleepy. I laid her back down and she stood up and said “Daddy, Daddy, no no no?” I said Baby, I’m mommy but your Daddy is up there and his name is Jesus, as I pointed to the ceiling. I said “Sophie’s Daddy is in a place called Heaven and he watches over you and Mommy and protects us and makes us happy (as I tickled her belly)”. She giggled and pointed up and said “Daddy” and I said yes and I am mommy and I love you so very much. I know it was a lot for her to take in but it was not a lie and it was the answer I had prayed for. She laid down and as I was about to walk out I said “Night Night Love you” and she stood up and said “Mommy, wuv ooo, K (K comes after everything these days). I just looked at her and then gave her a kiss on the cheek and said “love you so much night night.”

Where an adventure comes a battle may follow. We don’t always know the right answers but there is someone who does. Being a mom has taught me to be humble in a lot of ways and to rely on God when times get tough. Too many times people give advice based on instinct or their own experiences and thoughts. That is great in some cases, but in this case my advice is to let you know that you are not alone in any situation and call upon God to help you.

9” Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9 (NIV)