A Lost Christian

When I accepted the Lord into my life I was young but very ready. I loved him and knew he loved me and I was raised with a strong knowledge of who he was and knew I would never steer away from him. Little did I know that there is this little thing called “life” that happens and comes between us and God if we allow it. I went through some hard times and even though I never blamed God directly and still continued to pray, I neglected our relationship for years. I just never knew how hard it would get later on in life to choose him over issues in life and even myself. I have spent many nights crying and confused over the past 10 years. Over the past 6 years I have spent it mostly praying to just survive. This is where I refer to myself as a “Lost Christian”.

Here I am a saved soul and supposed to be witnessing to others and here I am lost out in the world and can’t seem to find my way back. How did I get this way? Had it really been that long since I spent night after night close with God? The answer is yes. Even though I knew the answer was God and that he would save me and help me I chose to follow life and its struggles rather than let God lead my life. I married the wrong person, suffered health issues terribly, suffered a miscarriage, lost myself in trying to find other relationships, suffered break-ups, endured heartaches, suffered severe depression that took me down suicidal thoughts many times, and looked for direction in every other way except through the one I knew could help me. Even though I prayed and cried out to him many times I felt I could not be close to him or that I could not choose to give it to him because of my mistakes. I was embarrassed that I had drifted away from him and chose to follow everyone and everything else other than him. I covered myself in self-pity and doubt and read self-help books faster than they were being brought to the shelf. Did I learn a lot? Oh my YES! But what does it mean? ABSOLUTELY nothing without God.

I had all the knowledge but there was this one thing I was not doing. I was not giving my life to him to drive and control. I was even in a therapy session with a Christian counselor who said I should give it to God because he needed me to have that relationship with him just like I needed him to have it with me. I looked at her and said “ I can’t, I’m not ready to give him the control.” Why did I say that? Because I was raised with that strong Christian background to know that when you give God control you have to listen and let him have the control and have that personal relationship with him or he would get your attention one way or the other and I knew my struggles could get worse if I was not ready to listen. I was just not ready to let go, I was that fearful of what would happen. It was all Satan and his mind games. I was lost and needed to find my way back and I had to be ready just like anyone has to be ready for anything. He wants your true heart and mind focused on him and not just part of it. There were many nights I would wake up in the middle of the night and it would be pitch dark in the room and I would just think…that is how I feel, Lost and I don’t know what to do or how to find my way.

Now, I have given it all to God and have our personal relationship back and it takes work. I get afraid that I am not doing enough or listening enough. Then I realize that he loves me and approves. I have to stop letting Satan control these thoughts. Do I look back and wish I would have done it sooner? At times, but I wasn’t ready and when I tried I failed because my mind and heart were running separate directions. There were a lot of lessons, hard lessons that I needed to learn and share about before I took the calling of giving him the complete control. God always has a plan and that is something we all need to remember.

I believe all Christians have their point and times of feeling lost, but we have to give it all to him. Letting him take over and speak to you and control your life is better than anything we could do and it leads to happiness and that is priceless. I feel comfort every night talking to him and knowing that he knows I am here and listening. There is a point and time when you realize and mature to an understanding that you need guidance and seek it everywhere but there is only one person who is guiding my life now and that is God. Each new day I have learned more about my TRUE self and my TRUE worth and realizing he is the only one I need to please. The approval addiction we carry out through life and wanting everything and everyone to accept us for what we aren’t and what we want to be leads to nothing but disaster in the long run. I think back to the times of coming home and dreading living another day. How could I be so lost and think I was not worth living another day!? Nobody deserves those thoughts, but life is dangerous and sucks you in and society takes control and tries to change who we are. It is up to us to decide when we have had enough to give it to God and stop being lost. So have you had enough? Are you ready to give it to God and let him show you true happiness?

Making My Own Baby Formula and Choosing to be Natural: Why I did it and How

“How a Physician Went From Criticizing My Homemade Formula to Promoting It”

(Recipe and Picture Description Below)

After having my daughter I was determined to breastfeed no matter what. However, after having a C-section it took my milk longer to come in and her weight had dropped to where they would not let us leave the hospital until they could see her eat and gain a few ounces. Being a new mom I did NOT want to use formula but I did not think I had any other options. They brought in a small syringe along with some formula to take home and told me to give this to her and make sure she was having at least 1 ounce every 4 hours a day. I know it sounds silly but with the hormones after birth going crazy in your body you feel like a failure because you have to resort to formula.

I was very upset and I could not understand why my milk was taking so long.  Finally! My milk came in and I was nursing it seemed every hour. I continued to give her a few ounces a day of the formula to try and get her weight up before her Doctor visit per that is what they had plastered in my head that I needed to do. After taking her to see the Doctor her weight was not where they thought it should and I was told that I should consider more formula and less Breast Milk. I immediately was in tears. “Why?” “I don’t understand!” I said. He told me I needed to be concerned about her weight and that she was getting enough. I left feeling hopeless like I had failed but I chose to continue breast feeding but did start to add some additional formula in with it.

Then, something was changing!! I started noticing her having tummy troubles, diarrhea, blisters on her bottom, and reflux! I took her multiple times to the Doctor over the next 2 months and he was constantly changing formula and stating it was my breast milk that I was continuing to feed her. I KNEW in my heart that was not right. I was healthy and she should be fine with just my milk, but I knew she needed something of substance while I tried to get my milk back and to help her get better. Keep in mind I had tried every brand out there and the most expensive and even a prescription and even soy milk. The Doctor wrote her up as stating she was allergic to soy and dairy and then told me to give her the prescribed liquid Zantac before feedings, use this steroid cream on her bottom for the blisters, as well as to stick with the alternative prescription formula he prescribed to try this time.

After this I desperately went to the Health Food Store and talked to one of the ladies that owned the store. I vaguely knew her from around town and from shopping there over the years and knew she had children and I was certain she knew of an alternate solution.  I explained my situation and she said to try just breasting feeding and giving her a probiotic and gave me a can of natural powdered goat milk. She showed me and explained to me what all was in these formulas and the starches and fillers etc. She said I could adjust and figure out my own formula as I figure out my daughter’s digestive system so I could add additional vitamins, etc. if I felt the need. I felt like I was being forced to poison my child but being told to use all the other formulas! My mind was even thinking about all of the commercials I see and going over what the Doctors say to use; brands like Enfamil and Similac! So how can something like this work? I immediately just blocked my thoughts out and got the probiotic and milk and gave that to her for a week and went back to the Doctor.

She had no diarrhea, had normal bowel movements, no blisters on her bottom and had not spit up or had reflux at all so I never needed the Zantac. He got all arrogant and said, “see I told you she was allergic to dairy and needed Zantac and now look at her!” I looked at him and said, “I never got that formula and I never got the Zantac nor used the cream for her rash.” He looked at me puzzled trying to figure out what happened this past week. I told him that I strictly breast fed, gave her goat milk and a probiotic and used just Vaseline on her bottom. He was puzzled at the fact that I did not listen and kept asking why I did this. I literally told him because I could tell something was wrong and all she needed was Vaseline on her bottom with powder and a natural way of eating has changed her completely. He refused to believe it and said if I stick to this I need to give her a DHA and iron because she will be anemic over time and Goat Milk is not the safe choice so he wanted to see her every week because it wouldn’t be long until she got sick again. I just let it be and we visited every week and then every other week for 2 months.

He checked her blood and she was not anemic and did not need iron; she showed signs of being completely healthy. Then he wanted to know what I did as far as making the formula and he wanted to see what all was in it. I told him how I was making the formula and that I made it every night. (Below is the recipe). He found everything online and also asked me to bring in the goat milk I use, the cereal I mix with, the vitamin, and probiotic so he can see for himself what my daughter was eating and scheduled us back in 2 weeks. At this time she was 5 months old. At this visit she was completely normal again and he said to me “making this is a lot of work compared to just scooping a formula and mixing with water.” I said “Well raising a child shouldn’t be about what is always convenient should it? The convenient way was making her sick and we do not really know why but it did and you can’t deny it.” He looked and said, “ This formula and the way you make it has enough DHA, vitamins, and more nutrition than what is in the formula I was having you use. I was completely against you even trying this and using this but I researched this up and down and then advised a close patient and her baby to give it a try per their baby had sever digestive issues with formula as well and within 2 weeks the child was completely fine and no allergies or rash. This concerns me and makes me more concerned with what I even eat these days and the choices I make.” I said, “Keep the formula I use and share it because there is nothing worse as a mom than feeling like you can’t help your child eat. I knew she was not allergic and needed an alternative option to getting her nutrition.” He nodded his head and said,  “a mothers intuition is best and I am glad you realized this and I am glad to know I have an alternate option as well and I hope you don’t mind that I have this and share it?” I told him to keep it and give to whomever needs it and they can always adjust to how they want it but at least they know exactly what is going into their baby’s body.

Months later my child is 19 months old and continues with the same formula and loves it. I use it to make all kinds of stuff and it works just like any milk product. She has yogurt and other dairy products and has even been introduced to non-homogenized whole milk and loves it. I still stick with the Goat Milk because of the nutritional value but it is good to know that she is not allergic to dairy and does not have food allergies like he had thought. I refused to give up when I knew something was not right.

At her last check-up her Doctor said he shared it with over 100 patients this past year and just wanted me to know that.

My Advice from what I learned is to give your body time to adjust to having a baby and your milk will come in. Sometimes there needs to be an alternative to breast milk due to illness of the mother or the baby and there is a natural way. My child is extremely smart and developed better than ever. As a Doctor they give you the scare approach as to what your child needs and when. Yes they need to at times because it is so important that your baby gets what they need, but as a mom, you know what your baby needs. This is in no way biased to any other mother’s options that they choose or have chosen. This is just my personal story and if you have a baby with digestive issues then here is an alternative option to try. I hope the below recipe helps you like it has helped me.

For any questions on how I did it, and alternative product options please email me and I will be happy to help you in any way I can!  proudsinglemomblog@gmail.com

Recipe   (Mix with your choice of Water)

Infant- 6mo Recipe

36 Ounces starting out then 20 Ounces (I used a protein shake container)

5 Tablespoons Goat Milk

3 full drops of vitamin

½ tsp of probiotic

6mo-9mo Recipe

20 Ounces

5 Tablespoons Goat Milk

3 full drops of vitamin

½ tsp of probiotic

1-2 Tablespoon Cereal

9mo+ Recipe

20 Ounces

5-6 Tablespoons Goat Milk

3 full drops of vitamin

½ tsp of probiotic

2-3 Tablespoon Cereal or Oatmeal

Natural Formula

The “P” word “Pre-Potty lingo”

I am sure you are all wondering about the “P” word. I can’t stand the P word and I have been looking for every other option possible to call it something else, and the bottom line is just this: that it is just “Shit” The end. I hate the word poop and I hate the slang of Shit.. but there is just no classy term for such a disgusting mess. We have learned “pee pee” and that is fine but I have not elaborated on the other that comes in the diaper other than we agree on “shooo” and “nasty”.  Until… it happened. We come home this week and she goes to squat, then stands and says “poop”…. I just kinda glanced over and said huh? And she runs over and says “poop”, “poop” giggle-giggle on her end and I just had this mortified look on my face thinking where did she hear this because they haven’t started potty training at her baby school (I’m not fond of the word daycare).  So I bend down and give that classy whiff to see if it is just a word or if she knows. “Oh heavens, you know what poop is” I said. Now some moms get all happy that their kid knows pee-pee and poop but I am looking into the future of being at a nice restaurant, or Church, or a wedding and my kid yelling “Poop! I go Poop!” or the moment when she has to wait on me in the bathroom and start announcing to everyone in the stall that “mommy go poop! Yay!”… These are just not the things I am ready for. I know they are coming but I like to think of alternative ways of handling situations before they happen but having a kid.. yea, you don’t get to prepare for much of anything. So anyways, she took my finger to the bedroom to change her as she said poop about 10 times and I agreed that yes it was poop and good job for telling mommy. I am really proud that she knows the word and that they are making them aware at her baby-school, but this is just a process that I think I am going to have to mentally prepare for. Surely I am not the only mother out there that is concerned about the words that are to come out of their kids mouth and never knowing when or what will happen. Maybe I am a little crazy? Maybe I need a little Xanax? I don’t know, but I am sure one day I will look back and laugh but right now it looks as though what once was just the “p” word is now the word poop and is in our vocabulary. Ugh! To be continued…

Potty Training?? Do I have too!?

photo (13)

It has been a while since I have posted but that does not mean anything has slowed down. If anything, I have more stories than my pea brain can even process. Work is so crazy lately… end of the year reports are coming in, I’ve interviewed for a new position, and oh yeah, I have a 17 month old who is hinting that she is ready to be potty trained Eeeeek! Maybe some of you moms are excited for this adventure of no diapers but I am thinking “Crap! Now I have to map out a bathroom everywhere we go and carry a potty seat!” I am imagining accidents all over the place like when potty training my Chihuahua Chica. Sophie has slowly been squatting in corners here lately and knowing when to get a new diaper and so I have caught on. I bought some pull ups, some little panties, and an Elmo Potty book all over the course of the past few months. I just purchased a special potty last week that has Minnie Mouse all over it, which she loves, so I am mentally getting there, I think. However the potty is wrapped up for “Santa” to bring her on Christmas, but I might need to open it early. I say that because of the picture above. I know it’s a silly picture, but the truth behind it is just stomach binding…to me anyways. We were in the floor playing until she pauses and turns and squats… I knew what was happening but the fact that she did it in front of me without going to her little hiding spots was a sure sign that I needed to do something. All I could do was say “eww wait Soph what are you doing.. OMG GROSS!”  So I decided to text my mom the picture capturing this moment : “Sophie needed to take a shit, classy moment of the day”.. as I am texting she runs off which she does and goes to the changing table to wait for me.. I’m on my way until then it happened.. she runs out and her pants are down and the diaper is off and she is holding it and saying “Yay” clap clap clap and poop was flying everywhere! I wanted to scream! But I was so stunned that I was just like omg bath now!! It took a total of 30 seconds for such a disaster to happen! Moral of the day: We survived and yes I am planning to potty train VERY SOON. I’m sure more adventures will come.

Innocent Words of a Child

The holidays have passed and Sophie just hit the milestone of 19 months! It is so amazing to look back and see pictures from today verses a year ago. I am so grateful for each passing day and think of how many adventures we have had in such a short amount of time. It seems as if she has always been a part of me because I can’t even remember hardly the days before I had her. Even on the craziest days I still look at her while she is sleeping and I still have tears that I catch running down my cheek because I am just so thankful to have someone in my life that has taught me what true love is all about. To some that may sound cheesy or maybe even a thoughtless rambling to start off a conversation but there is meaning behind these tears.

My biggest fear has always been the day that she asks about her Dad or a dad or her situation and why it is different. I know these days everyone has a unique situation but that doesn’t make it any easier as a parent. I always imagined it being while she was in Kindergarten figuring out about how other kids have a Dad and she then realizes that something is missing and comes home asking why I have a dad and she has a Grandpa but why doesn’t she have a daddy like everyone else. Now before anyone starts judging you should know that it is a blessing to not have her Dad in the picture because he doesn’t want to be and I do not believe in forcing parenting upon anyone and forcing them to be a parent and resenting the situation and the child. Then I would have another issue at hand of explaining why she isn’t wanted or feels wanted by her Dad; Either way there is no winning but I want her to always feel wanted and loved.

Here I am waiting and worried about Kindergarten when the moment happened while she is 19 months old. I am writing this while it is completely fresh per it happened just recently and I am still hurting from the pain of the innocent words out of her mouth. I have noticed that over the holidays she was letting the Daddy word slip out while referring to my Dad and we would have to remind her it was “Papa” and she would be fine and we would pretend nothing happened and go on. However, nobody really pretended anything, we just all kept it to ourselves. It hurt to hear her call him that because I know she was hearing it and understanding it from being at daycare (aka baby-school). I finally broke down to my mom and she said not to worry about it because she was just trying to use her words. I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better but I pretended it worked. I haven’t heard anything out of her since, regarding the “Daddy” word lately so I thought maybe it was a fluke for the time being.

Recently we had a playdate with a friend of mine and her little one. I was excited to go and have a playdate because it had been so long and we were to exchange gifts with the kids. They are close in age so it is always very cute to see them play when we get together. I am always concerned if men are around and wasn’t sure if her husband was going to be around because I never know how Sophie will react. Normally she screams and if they have a beard it’s over because she will scream out of complete fear. However, none of the kind was there so we were having a great time. Then it happened… Her husband came through the door and the little one yelled Daddy!! Then Sophie turned towards him and just started gleaming with bright eyes and was talking her jibberish and laughing at any attention he gave her. I was calling her name but she didn’t hear me and was following him as he went down the hall saying “pease , pease?”. I wasn’t sure why she was saying please, so I had her come back down to me and she just looked confused and asked in the sweetest voice, “ Daddy Pease”. I said, honey I am Mommy (Trying to change the subject). She said “no no, Daddy Pease, Pease Daddy.” Then she grabbed a book and started heading down the hall and I went to get her and said “ Its ok I will read the book”, She then turned and looked and said “ Daddy no book?” “Daddy Pease, Pease?” I then became sick and had a lump so hard in my throat I couldn’t swallow or speak and just held her and walked her into the living room. My friend was in tears because she knew I was holding back and could only imagine what I was thinking. I had tears roll down my face but I was holding so many tears back I could feel a massive migraine coming and I couldn’t see for the flooding of tears being held in my eyes. I sat her down and finally swallowed where I could talk and she kept pointing at my eyes saying “eyes, eyes mommy”. I said yes, these are my eyes and where are yours? And she pointed to her eyes and then she pointed to her nose and I asked where her belly was and we tickled it and got her laughing. I finally said, “Let mommy read you the book ok?” and she said “K, tank ooo”. I read her the book as best as I could without choking and thinking anymore about it but in my mind I felt like a failure. My friend and I talked briefly about it just enough to put it out there but no details because I think we would have just cried until we were sick. The innocence of any child I think could bring anyone to tears.

As we left all I could think about was that one thing and the whole situation playing out in my head. I know every parent has their own battles with their children and their own pain but when you are going through your own pain you don’t really see anything else but your own. Right now I just tell myself that I am grateful for what we do have and that I am doing the best I know how. As we came home I just loved on her and made dinner and wanted to hold her as much as I could but she was just so tired so I laid her down and she was out pretty quick. I came in the living room and just cried because I had too. I had so much I had held in I just bawled. I looked for a movie to take my mind off of everything, even tried watching a scary movie and then I noticed something. Both movies had the same similar plot. One was a television movie where the mom was protecting her daughter from becoming victimized in college and the other was a horror film that ended in knowing that the mom had victimized herself to prevent suffering of her daughter. You may be trying to figure out what I am getting to and it is just this….We all have battles and have choices on how we handle them. How do we know what is right? We don’t.

My mom used to always tell me anytime I was punished or when I was hurting that she could feel it and I would understand when I became a parent. I never knew what she meant until I became a parent, and the older your child gets it does not get easier, it only gets harder because they can tell you what they want and what hurts.

After I finished crying I went in to Sophie’s room and she was sleeping so peacefully, I put my hand in her hand and just prayed for peace, love, and guidance.  I prayed that when she wake and these words came out of her mouth again that I would know the right answer but that I wouldn’t resort to lying even though she is so young. I went back into the living room and started going through my phone when I heard a whimper of her waking up. I am sure she heard me from being in there but I was just happy to see her awake and hug her since I had been crying all evening. She looked at me half awake and said “mommy”, I said yes baby, you have a bad dream? She didn’t say anything just laid her head on my shoulders so I knew she was sleepy. I laid her back down and she stood up and said “Daddy, Daddy, no no no?” I said Baby, I’m mommy but your Daddy is up there and his name is Jesus, as I pointed to the ceiling. I said “Sophie’s Daddy is in a place called Heaven and he watches over you and Mommy and protects us and makes us happy (as I tickled her belly)”. She giggled and pointed up and said “Daddy” and I said yes and I am mommy and I love you so very much. I know it was a lot for her to take in but it was not a lie and it was the answer I had prayed for. She laid down and as I was about to walk out I said “Night Night Love you” and she stood up and said “Mommy, wuv ooo, K (K comes after everything these days). I just looked at her and then gave her a kiss on the cheek and said “love you so much night night.”

Where an adventure comes a battle may follow. We don’t always know the right answers but there is someone who does. Being a mom has taught me to be humble in a lot of ways and to rely on God when times get tough. Too many times people give advice based on instinct or their own experiences and thoughts. That is great in some cases, but in this case my advice is to let you know that you are not alone in any situation and call upon God to help you.

9” Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9 (NIV)