Nervous-Breakdown or Just Life?

breakdown2How is it that you can feel the presence of God and things changing for the better and then something completely change direction and then you are questioning life and its existence and if you are praying to a ghost at times?

I don’t think just Single moms feel this but that anyone in general can feel this at times. It has been a rough week. As per previous thoughts and blogs most of you know about my issue with the healthcare and trying to get my daughter help and literally not knowing where to turn. I have been fighting this battle for months and the reality has set in and there are no words to describe what I am feeling exactly. I say this a lot when I write because you feel so many things at once that you are just lost and fogged.For one, I hold everything in and I am just a robot and keep going like I am super woman.

My Description is this:

Single Mom 100% = No Dad and No Child Support

Career Mom = 60 hours atleast a week. (fortunate to be able to have home access to work)

Student = I finished 30 Credit Hours this Term (IT Degree)

Job = Systems and Performance Analyst = Crystal Report Writer and SAP programs manager. Maintain hundreds of reports everyday along with re-creating old reports, installs, creating and writing new reports, maintaining 2 websites and sharepoint sites, assisting others with IT and Data Issues, Running many transit files for customers, operational needs and data as needed, day, night, weekends etc. Educate and help other IT professionals within the company with their coding needs, Assist Sales in closing accounts with verification of reports, etc.. the list continues sadly and my Salary would more than double if I didn’t live in the Midwest.

Being Mommy = Attending all the parties at my kids daycare and participating and bringing things. Right now we have her valentines cards completed and I made raspberry muffins for her to take and just made dinner like every night. We will read and go over her flash cards and make it a game then do puzzles and writing where I have her switch hands during both activities to try and exercise her brain per I have read that helps aid in the therapy process and even possibly help regain some of her hearing that is lost. I will try anything to help her. Then there is the normal mommy chores of laundry, cleaning, making Sophie’s own milk, etc.

Being a Daughter: My parents live 30 minutes away so I try to pack us up each weekend or every other weekend to make the trip to visit for the day or the weekend. Sounds enjoyable, and it is but the stress of taking a toddler to another environment and keeping the usual routine is challenging and can really throw you off. But you do it because you want that time with them and they want that time with you and their grandbaby.

Therapist: I have a Speech therapist that is willing to work with me and show me what to do every evening and I can afford her one day a week to help but I need to make up for the rest each eve, atleast 3-4 days for sure. This is my New title that I am just now learning until I can get a full understanding of what she needs and what I can afford after her evaluation of her ears and neurological development. She needs a full room devoted to this that is only that and since we live in a 2 bedroom apartment I have devoted my room to this and working on that this weekend. I sleep on the couch anyways or we sleep in the recliner together so that I can keep her elevated most nights. Not something I admit to many because they don’t understand how fluid in the ears works if it doesn’t flow right or if she is congested then there is nothing but muffled noises. I am sure this sounds crazy but as a mom if there is any thought to helping your child succeed you will do it.

Bargain Groceries: Master Coupon Clipper and Ad Matching. Surviving to get all the groceries we need at the best price.

These are just things that came to mind because it is what I deal with currently. How do women survive as Single Moms and come out successful when they have the job most go to college for and still can barely make it? Will things ever get better?

There are days when I feel so blessed and can see that bright future and then life turns on you again and you question what is going on!? Will I always have to live my life fighting or will my time finally come where I can relax and feel joy and be happy? They say God does not punish but that he tests us to make us stronger. But what about when you have been tested and tested to where you literally get that weak mind and feel you can’t handle anymore rejection or work and you feel that no matter what you do you are failing?

Last night I was looking at all the photos from the Grammy’s and seeing the smiling faces and the lavish gifts and gowns and alcohol that cost more than what I make in a year’s salary.. Actually a 4 years’ salary! Did I do something wrong to wind up on this path in life? How do they have so much and I struggle? Am I wrong for being curious and asking these questions? SO many questions come to mind when I compare situations.

We are all called for different reasons but I can’t figure out what my calling is and maybe it is just getting started. All I know is I try so hard to find humor within a lot of things to press forward but lately my humor and joy have been taken away due to not understanding the struggles that I am being faced with and not knowing exactly where to turn or who to question.

I am in that “middle-income” American salary range where I can’t afford to have a lavish home like the rich and have tax incentives to help me out. Nor do I make low enough to get full insurance coverage and self-help housing. I see this amazing self-help housing  where they build brand new homes for families in need as long as they make little money which is less than 30k yearly in our area. I see these new homes getting built by people who chose to have little drive and are ok with little income and I am in that area where it doesn’t matter that you are a single mom, there is only 2 in your family, you have a career and insurance and that’s it.

So I can’t help but ask myself: “How is this fair?” “Did Obama think about the moms that did achieve a degree and have a career and how they would be able to provide?” Should there be atleast a median salary range so that if a single mom does not qualify for anything that she makes enough to do more than just survive?

Average salary is less than 45k and I barely get anything back in taxes, and I pay a lot into taxes, and retirement and insurance is high as well. After experiencing this I now see why most stay home and live off of the government because to give that up and get a career would honestly hurt a lot of families.

A family that lives off the government and if one goes to college they get a brand new home, free food, tax breaks, groceries, WIC, Welfare, Medicaid etc.  I am not downing this one bit because I know there are people who need this so bad and I was even advised by the Social Security Office that I would be better off if I quit my job and went this route. How is this bettering our Society though? How could I raise my daughter this way? Shouldn’t I be encouraged to better my life through education and a great career?

Growing up I used to hear my Grandpa say: “The rich just get richer.” Now I know what he means, but is this something any of us is this situation should settle for or should something change? You will have excuse my curiosity per I really do not know what the right answer is. Do you have the right answer? Any thoughts?

2 thoughts on “Nervous-Breakdown or Just Life?

  1. I would just like to encourage you by saying that you are doing a great job. I know it is hard for you now but your character is being defined as you continue to work hard to get what you want instead of giving up and becoming a slave to the welfare system. There is a purpose for welfare and it is very good. It only becomes a bondage when people give up and stop trying to make a better life. The rich may get richer but so what? Riches bring their own set of problems. I have worked all of my life and for the most part as a single mother. I worked as much as I could and I thanked God that I was physically able to do it. Some people do not have good health.

    Not only is your character and work ethic being refined in your struggle, but your daughter is learning the same lesson as she watches you. Children learn what they live. The fact that she sees you forge ahead and not give up is teaching her one of the greatest lessons she can learn. The hardest times mold the greatest people.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your encouraging words. There are just so many times where I sit and think and just stare because I do not know what to do and I have to just pray. As a mom you always wonder if life will get easier or harder or if I will learn to just survive. There are times when I just toss work and everything aside and just live in the moment so that I can have that piece of Joy that I long for.


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