Nervous-Breakdown or Just Life?

breakdown2How is it that you can feel the presence of God and things changing for the better and then something completely change direction and then you are questioning life and its existence and if you are praying to a ghost at times?

I don’t think just Single moms feel this but that anyone in general can feel this at times. It has been a rough week. As per previous thoughts and blogs most of you know about my issue with the healthcare and trying to get my daughter help and literally not knowing where to turn. I have been fighting this battle for months and the reality has set in and there are no words to describe what I am feeling exactly. I say this a lot when I write because you feel so many things at once that you are just lost and fogged.For one, I hold everything in and I am just a robot and keep going like I am super woman.

My Description is this:

Single Mom 100% = No Dad and No Child Support

Career Mom = 60 hours atleast a week. (fortunate to be able to have home access to work)

Student = I finished 30 Credit Hours this Term (IT Degree)

Job = Systems and Performance Analyst = Crystal Report Writer and SAP programs manager. Maintain hundreds of reports everyday along with re-creating old reports, installs, creating and writing new reports, maintaining 2 websites and sharepoint sites, assisting others with IT and Data Issues, Running many transit files for customers, operational needs and data as needed, day, night, weekends etc. Educate and help other IT professionals within the company with their coding needs, Assist Sales in closing accounts with verification of reports, etc.. the list continues sadly and my Salary would more than double if I didn’t live in the Midwest.

Being Mommy = Attending all the parties at my kids daycare and participating and bringing things. Right now we have her valentines cards completed and I made raspberry muffins for her to take and just made dinner like every night. We will read and go over her flash cards and make it a game then do puzzles and writing where I have her switch hands during both activities to try and exercise her brain per I have read that helps aid in the therapy process and even possibly help regain some of her hearing that is lost. I will try anything to help her. Then there is the normal mommy chores of laundry, cleaning, making Sophie’s own milk, etc.

Being a Daughter: My parents live 30 minutes away so I try to pack us up each weekend or every other weekend to make the trip to visit for the day or the weekend. Sounds enjoyable, and it is but the stress of taking a toddler to another environment and keeping the usual routine is challenging and can really throw you off. But you do it because you want that time with them and they want that time with you and their grandbaby.

Therapist: I have a Speech therapist that is willing to work with me and show me what to do every evening and I can afford her one day a week to help but I need to make up for the rest each eve, atleast 3-4 days for sure. This is my New title that I am just now learning until I can get a full understanding of what she needs and what I can afford after her evaluation of her ears and neurological development. She needs a full room devoted to this that is only that and since we live in a 2 bedroom apartment I have devoted my room to this and working on that this weekend. I sleep on the couch anyways or we sleep in the recliner together so that I can keep her elevated most nights. Not something I admit to many because they don’t understand how fluid in the ears works if it doesn’t flow right or if she is congested then there is nothing but muffled noises. I am sure this sounds crazy but as a mom if there is any thought to helping your child succeed you will do it.

Bargain Groceries: Master Coupon Clipper and Ad Matching. Surviving to get all the groceries we need at the best price.

These are just things that came to mind because it is what I deal with currently. How do women survive as Single Moms and come out successful when they have the job most go to college for and still can barely make it? Will things ever get better?

There are days when I feel so blessed and can see that bright future and then life turns on you again and you question what is going on!? Will I always have to live my life fighting or will my time finally come where I can relax and feel joy and be happy? They say God does not punish but that he tests us to make us stronger. But what about when you have been tested and tested to where you literally get that weak mind and feel you can’t handle anymore rejection or work and you feel that no matter what you do you are failing? Continue reading

Fighting the Healthcare Battle ‘Being Rejected, No Financial Assistance, and Ready to Give Up’

Stethoscope wrapped around hundred dollar bills

Before you read, keep an open mind and understand the battle and know that this is not a complaint but an opportunity for something to change.

I have a great job as an IT Programmer/Web Reporter for a large corporation and we have insurance which I always assumed would cover everything. I have noticed the past few years that there are certain things that are not covered or less is being covered and I am having to pay more up front. I never really had to battle and beg for help on getting insurance to cover something until recently. If anyone who reads this has any ideas I am open to hearing them for sure!

My baby girl was one of several babies out there that suffered Chronic Ear Infections for months and months. Finally when she was 9 months old she was referred to an ENT Dr that put tubes in immediately, but that turned into more problems. She developed Staph from that surgery and became really sick on and off. They swore it wasn’t the tube that was infected and she got it elsewhere and would not refer us to Children’s and wanted to take care of it there through medicines. The medicines worked while she took them but once she went off of the antibiotic it came back. I knew something was wrong but I tried to trust the Doctor until I finally had enough. She had never ran a high fever before and her daycare called saying she had 104 fever! I immediately left work and called her pediatrician because I was afraid this could go septic. They got me in and said she looked fine and the ears were still infected and cultured it again. We started another antibiotic and given the max dose of Tylenol and sent home to watch it. My Gut just told me something was wrong and my mom was feeling the same way. The next day was Saturday and we headed straight to Childrens Hospital ER to see what options we had to get the staph infection cleared up and see their ENT specialist to try and get this baby girl some relief! It was the best thing I did! They cultured it and got us to see the ENT Dr that Monday. The culture came back as Staph and she needed those tubes out immediately! The day comes for surgery and as discussed the tubes will be replaced and the ear canal cleaned out and if the infection was bad enough and the adenoids were large then he said it would be in the best interest to take them out. I was devastated that my baby had to go through this but it had to be done.

After the surgery was done he came out and said she did great and that the infection came from the tubes, mostly her left, and her adenoids had to be removed. Sophie was in pain but came out of it well and I was so grateful. At the time you don’t think about money or insurance, only your child because that is the only thing that is important. Sophie did great with no problems for months and then we went to the follow-up appt where they did a full hearing evaluation. Everything from sights and sounds to using the machine to test the eardrum and vibrations. I noticed that there was never a response to her left side without a visual or the clown popping up in bright lights on her left side, so I was prepared for them to say something I just did not know what. They said they tested it 3 times and there was no activity on her left side. I just looked around for a bit and asked what exactly that meant.  Could tell they were choosing their words wisely. She said after serious infections hearing loss is a possibility but we never know if it is permanent until they are around 3 years of age.

I was like wait, wait, wait, so what do I do? Can I help her? What does this mean? They said that they would do another hearing test in 9 months to determine more. I could not believe what I was hearing.. 9 months!? My child is learning to talk and pronounce words and you want me to let her development be hindered by this? I don’t understand. She said, there are options if you want to be pro-active but it might be tough. I was like tough? She said, well do you have Medicaid? I said no we have insurance through my work, isn’t that better? She told me to hang on and she would be right back. She came back with a stack of papers to give to my pediatrician and for me to fill out for them and to give to my insurance. She was very nice and told me she would want to do the same as me and get help but to know that it could get pricey if my insurance did not cover it but said the developmental center would do a full evaluation and she has seen hearing return to children when caught before the age of 2.

I left thinking I just had to set up another appointment somewhere else and then as I was driving home it hit me. Did they just tell me that my child was deaf? No activity in her left ear?  I just could not understand and I also just did not want to and My mom was making excuses that maybe it was from the surgery or it was a fluke. But this is hearing! We hear things everyday no matter what. Even with an infection there is activity happening in your ear! I tried to just relax and get through the holidays and research what needed to be done while I sent the stuff to my pediatrician to work on and get her referred for testing. It is now February and this was back in November, so it has taken some time for sure.

I finally got information in the mail from the developmental center and they were needing more information faxed in about insurance etc since it is the new year so I faxed everything in last week.  I call to follow up to see what is going on and they said they needed me to sign a payment agreement to make sure I would pay so much at the time of the scheduled appointment and atleast half of the full bill the day of the appointment. I asked why it was being done like this because I have insurance and then the ball dropped! No where in my policy does it cover specialized therapies associated with hearing loss other than the audiology testing. It covered prescriptions and Psych evaluations per this was considered therapy and under the mental health policy. So I had to clearly understand and hear it for myself that I have no coverage to help my daughter regain her hearing through any therapy. Medicaid covers at 100% and any other government provided insurance listed under Medicaid is covered as well. I just did not understand and told them that I couldn’t believe it but I would do whatever it took and would pay. So I asked what the charges would be and she said she would fax me the information for the full day of evaluation per my pediatrician referred us for that because you want to make sure nothing is neurological and to make sure that everything is considered so they know how to help.

Anyways, she said 500.00 was due today to be put on the schedule and that since I had private insurance it was looking about 8-10months out! I could not believe this! Can I not get my child help any other way? 500.00! I have insurance that I pay for and it is useless in this matter so I have to be treated as if I don’t have insurance. I told her I was going to call her back because I wanted to call my insurance and get a full breakdown from them because something can’t be right.

I call my insurance and it was true. There was nothing covered under Developmental therapies or evaluations. Only Psych disorders and evaluations through certain doctors within the state. I asked what I was supposed to do and they said to ask for a payment plan and financial assistance. I got off the phone and wrote some things down.

Hearing Loss

Failed Testing

Referred by ENT Specialist, Audiologist, and Pediatrician

Medical Records prove the need for therapy

My daughter has not had any infection since the surgery but still has hearing loss

She is showing signs of withdraw in certain places with muffled noises

Im noticing speech difficulty

She turns her head so she can hear people talk on her right side

Some days she acts as if she can’t hear hardly at all

After writing everything down I had to realize that my daughter needed help with or without insurance and I had to figure out how. How could something that is medically necessary not be covered by all insurances? Then the Fax of the cost breakdown came through. I was worried it was going to be close to 1200.00 like her surgery that I had to pay for up front because it was the same surgery within the same year and they would not cover but only a percentage of it. It was more than I could have even imagined!!  Everything from MRI to several different types of hearing tests and behavioral testing to play therapy and occupational therapy and IQ-type testing and Speech testing came to a grand total of 8136.00. I know what you are thinking.. Isn’t this a lot of medical testing!? Yes it is but different medical codes due to it being at a developmental center and not a hospital it is considered under the mental health policy. Keep in mind this is part of the Children’s Hospital but it is their learning and development center. No matter what I said or did there was no changing to get insurance to pay. And this was just the beginning not the continued therapy once they find out what she needs. I was just sick! I work so hard and I need this so bad for her! I could never forgive myself if I didn’t try.

I decided to call other centers in the state to see if I could get anything cheaper and to my surprise I got rejected many times just for my child being under 3! And some will not help until your child is atleast 5!! I found one place that would take her but it would be for play therapy just to see how she is coping with having a hearing loss in one ear. I took it and its going to cost but it is only 300.00 and we have an appointment in a few weeks.

I took a few days to think about the other place because I know it is a specialized therapy and I know she needs it and I just had to figure out how I could pay for it.

We live in an apartment and I have been saving to build a house and just started the paperwork per I am finally approved! Nothing big, just 3 bedrooms 2 bath and I needed to make sure I could cover the cost of the interest and the little things here and there in case something went over budget and to have money to close on. I called the place today and paid the 500.00 and signed the papers that said I would pay 50% on the day of the appt. To my surprise they said they had an opening then end of March and I took it! I was thrilled that we got in and to know that my daughter now has a chance to get better and that she will get therapy is wonderful! I used the money however that was for our house. I know we need a better place to live but I am thankful that I did have this saved up or else I don’t know what I would have done. I will use my refund to help with the therapy costs after the evaluation and requested to be put on the payment plan and regardless I will take out a loan if I need to.

I don’t understand why it has to be this way and why I can’t get help when someone else can get the therapy for free but all I know is that sometimes you can’t fight the battle and I could have given up which is what most probably have done and will do but I didn’t. I am hoping for a miracle and for my daughter to regain her hearing and be able to cope with whatever outcome happens. As a mom, I will do whatever it takes for her.

Has anyone out there had to fight the healthcare battle and are there any options? Please share your story if you have!

proudsinglemomblog@gmail.com

Knowing Your Value

How often do you let others determine your Value?

value

Do you worry about what other people think? Do you get upset when untrue things are said about you? Do you pretend to be someone you are not at times to impress others or to make others not see the “real” you? I am sure we could answer Yes to atleast one if not all of those questions.

But Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? We allow society to judge us to where we take into account what they think of us when their opinion does not matter, only God’s opinion matters. I say this because I am truly guilty of this myself. I don’t want others to know me because I feel ashamed for my past that includes lots of struggles. I get embarrassed and avoid people just so I don’t have to deal with confrontation at times because of the fear of rejection and judgment.

My devotion this evening talks about how we are not to worry about what anyone else thinks other than God. I know this and have always known this but I struggle to accept it. I am in constant turmoil of hurting because of being labeled. Yes I am divorced, yes I have had bad relationships, yes I have made mistakes, and YES I am a single mother. Those labels make me feel not good enough and made me separate from God because of my own shame and guilt that I created myself by letting other people and Satan control my thoughts. Whatever you choose to believe is who you will be.

So the way you think of yourself at this moment… Is this someone you want to continue being? Is there someone who is making you feel this way? Then why allow it? I am asking myself that question as well and at times I still do depending on my state of mind and how vulnerable I am at that moment because I am human after all.

The thing I need to tell myself and what I challenge you to do as well is only speak positive of yourself. “ I AM a single mother and I am AMAZING at it!” “I did go through a break-up or divorce AND I am stronger because of it!” “I WILL remove poison out of MY Life so that  can lift myself up and move forward successfully and happy and not miserable!”

Our mistakes are valuable when we learn from them. They teach us and they teach others and create us to be the person we are today.  “If we never make mistakes then we are probably not making many decisions.” (Joyce Meyer).

If someone offers you a 50.00 bill, is it worth taking? Yes it is because it is money and it has value and material items can be bought with that. What if someone takes it back and crinkles it up and then gives it back to you? Would you take it still? Yes, because it is still 50.00 and will buy the same things as it did earlier. What if that same 50.00 bill was crinkled up and had coffee spilled on it and then tried to be rinsed off and dried and it looked worn, would it still be worth taking? Of course! The value of that 50.00 has not changed!

So the question is: Why is that 50.00 still worth the same value no matter what but when we try and value ourselves we discount ourselves based on our mistakes rather than rise above it and realize that our worth is the same now as it was before?

This is what I am trying to answer myself. I need to know my worth no matter what mistake or failure I have had or will have. In God’s eyes we are the same and worth everything in his eyes and we do not need to let anyone else tell us otherwise. Remove the inner demons that fill your head full of that and remove the poison in society that makes you feel that way. Don’t retaliate and make them feel without value either, but rise above it and know that only God matters and you are worth it.

“Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows” Matthew 10:31