A Lost Christian

When I accepted the Lord into my life I was young but very ready. I loved him and knew he loved me and I was raised with a strong knowledge of who he was and knew I would never steer away from him. Little did I know that there is this little thing called “life” that happens and comes between us and God if we allow it. I went through some hard times and even though I never blamed God directly and still continued to pray, I neglected our relationship for years. I just never knew how hard it would get later on in life to choose him over issues in life and even myself. I have spent many nights crying and confused over the past 10 years. Over the past 6 years I have spent it mostly praying to just survive. This is where I refer to myself as a “Lost Christian”.

Here I am a saved soul and supposed to be witnessing to others and here I am lost out in the world and can’t seem to find my way back. How did I get this way? Had it really been that long since I spent night after night close with God? The answer is yes. Even though I knew the answer was God and that he would save me and help me I chose to follow life and its struggles rather than let God lead my life. I married the wrong person, suffered health issues terribly, suffered a miscarriage, lost myself in trying to find other relationships, suffered break-ups, endured heartaches, suffered severe depression that took me down suicidal thoughts many times, and looked for direction in every other way except through the one I knew could help me. Even though I prayed and cried out to him many times I felt I could not be close to him or that I could not choose to give it to him because of my mistakes. I was embarrassed that I had drifted away from him and chose to follow everyone and everything else other than him. I covered myself in self-pity and doubt and read self-help books faster than they were being brought to the shelf. Did I learn a lot? Oh my YES! But what does it mean? ABSOLUTELY nothing without God.

I had all the knowledge but there was this one thing I was not doing. I was not giving my life to him to drive and control. I was even in a therapy session with a Christian counselor who said I should give it to God because he needed me to have that relationship with him just like I needed him to have it with me. I looked at her and said “ I can’t, I’m not ready to give him the control.” Why did I say that? Because I was raised with that strong Christian background to know that when you give God control you have to listen and let him have the control and have that personal relationship with him or he would get your attention one way or the other and I knew my struggles could get worse if I was not ready to listen. I was just not ready to let go, I was that fearful of what would happen. It was all Satan and his mind games. I was lost and needed to find my way back and I had to be ready just like anyone has to be ready for anything. He wants your true heart and mind focused on him and not just part of it. There were many nights I would wake up in the middle of the night and it would be pitch dark in the room and I would just think…that is how I feel, Lost and I don’t know what to do or how to find my way.

Now, I have given it all to God and have our personal relationship back and it takes work. I get afraid that I am not doing enough or listening enough. Then I realize that he loves me and approves. I have to stop letting Satan control these thoughts. Do I look back and wish I would have done it sooner? At times, but I wasn’t ready and when I tried I failed because my mind and heart were running separate directions. There were a lot of lessons, hard lessons that I needed to learn and share about before I took the calling of giving him the complete control. God always has a plan and that is something we all need to remember.

I believe all Christians have their point and times of feeling lost, but we have to give it all to him. Letting him take over and speak to you and control your life is better than anything we could do and it leads to happiness and that is priceless. I feel comfort every night talking to him and knowing that he knows I am here and listening. There is a point and time when you realize and mature to an understanding that you need guidance and seek it everywhere but there is only one person who is guiding my life now and that is God. Each new day I have learned more about my TRUE self and my TRUE worth and realizing he is the only one I need to please. The approval addiction we carry out through life and wanting everything and everyone to accept us for what we aren’t and what we want to be leads to nothing but disaster in the long run. I think back to the times of coming home and dreading living another day. How could I be so lost and think I was not worth living another day!? Nobody deserves those thoughts, but life is dangerous and sucks you in and society takes control and tries to change who we are. It is up to us to decide when we have had enough to give it to God and stop being lost. So have you had enough? Are you ready to give it to God and let him show you true happiness?

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